Divorce…….Be Careful; Diabetes Does Not Care.

Dear Spouse,

I am not related to you.  Initial response should be for me to mind my own business.  In most cases I do.  I have no bearing on who is right and who is wrong in your divorce proceedings.  I have been through divorce with so many family members I have learned to keep my mouth shut at every turn.

What I do know, is diabetes.  What I do know is that when someone is so full of emotion, raw rage, pain, sorrow, and heartache that they can usually shut down on their (soon to be former) partner for anything and everything they have to say.  I get it.  I understand that point.

I have no right to tell you about your children.  They are yours. 

But I can tell you of the heartache of children with diabetes being rushed to the hospital.  I can share with you the grief and pain that parents have shared with me, who lost a child to this disease.  I can tell you of the heartache of someone who knows what is needed to take care of their child’s diabetes and not to be heard.  I can tell you that when things go wrong, there is enough blame to fill a valley………but the only one who loses will be your child.

If you are presently going through a divorce, I would only ask that you look in the mirror and ask one question.  Ask one thing that you promise to answer honestly.  “When we were married, and before this mess ever happened; who took care of your child’s diabetes?”

If the answer is not you; I urge you to just open your mind for a few seconds and hear me out.  I have no ‘skin in the game’ between you and your spouse.  The divorce proceedings are already enough on your child(ren).  I know everything that will transpire as I have seen it all before.  What you and/or your spouse will not see is the impact your divorce will have on your child’s diabetes.  If you have not been the caretaker and/or the prime person relating to your child’s diabetes, you have two choices.

One is to learn everything you can because in a ‘split’ household you are about to become, even if only on weekends, the single most important person dealing with your child’s diabetes.  I’m the first one to say that my partner knows a million times more than me when it comes to diabetes.  I worked, she stayed home.

Two is to, at the every least to address this one topic, push aside everything you can and discuss openly about what you do not know; specifically your child’s diabetes.

Every house is different, when it comes to diabetes I can share with you that your child will do much better if you and your ‘ex’ work together to make sure your child’s diabetes is managed.  If you fight over it, your child will think it is their fault; If you cannot at least listen to what is needed, your child will think it is their fault; if you turn your back on it because you think your spouse if over-reacting, your child will think it is their fault.  And none of it is their fault.  None of it is your fault.  None of it is your ‘ex’s’ fault.  It is what it is: diabetes.

Look I am no a marriage counselor and your differences need to be worked out and I cannot and will not even attempt to tell you anything about your situation.  But I can tell you story upon story of how children in a (or going through) divorced home have ended up in the hospital because while couples were fighting; diabetes did not care.  I can tell you while the two could not agree on what to do; diabetes did not care.  While one was too stubborn to hear out the one who knows because they do it more than the other; diabetes did not care.

Diabetes does not care about anything except to create the havoc that it is known to create.  For your child’s sake and from someone who has seen it so many times in my 21+ years of being in this diabetes world, I implore you to table everything when it comes to your child’s diabetes; and learn, re-learn, and do whatever it takes.  Because in your anger, and in your divorce proceedings, and in your working through custody and visitation rights, and in your financial disputes, and in the finger-pointing, and in your yelling, and in your tears, and in your discussions, and in anything else that may happen……………diabetes will not care.

Your child will pay the price.   You have enough to deal with……don’t give diabetes that chance to add so much more grief to your lives because if there is something that diabetes IS great at, it’s giving out grief.  I have seen it and I can promise you that diabetes will stick its head directly into the middle of everything, and at a time when you least expect it, if you do not watch it and deal with it together.

May your road ahead be quick to resolve; but please do everything in your collective power to make sure you both work out diabetes care for your child…….their very life will depend on it.  I have seen it  too many times in my life and I assure you, it is an additional heartache you JUST DON’T need.

Good luck to all of you.

I am a diabetes dad.

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