I hate diabetes.
I came out of the shower, shaved, and got dressed. A normal day. As, by habit, I went to the bedroom window and looked out. I do that every morning. We live on a dead-end and there is nothing but wooded area across the street and to the sides of our home.
Many times I will see a wonderful display of nature. A White-Spotted Owl, a few deer, an Oriole or two, wild ducks, and every now and again, a fox. I always loved wild life and growing up in the suburbs of Long Island, well we rarely saw that much. Now we are far enough out in eastern Long Island to have some animals but not enough that they over-run our property.
On this day, this week, I opened the curtains and looked outside. “I must be up earlier than I thought. Kaitlyn’s car is still in the driveway and she’ s normally out of the house by 7:30 am.”
I looked at the clock and it said 7:40.
“Hmmmm. Odd.”
This would not be SO odd if it this was one of my sons, running late is in their DNA. But not Kaitlyn. She is on time for everything.
And it happened. THAT thought.
As any parent will tell you, there is always, ALWAYS, that little heart skip before you enter your child’s bedroom in the morning when they have diabetes. When they are not up when they are supposed to be, your heart races much faster and exponentially to your thought process. I opened my door and the area around Kaitlyn’s door, which is usually lit, was completely dark.
“Oh crap. Oh no. PLEASE no, no, no.”
All of this happens in seconds. We have all been there. We all know about it. I knocked on the door.
“Kaitlyn, are you awake?”
“Wh…wh…yeah?”
“Don’t you leave by 7:30?”
“Yeah, what time is it?
“7:40.”
“Crap.”
What followed was much rustling around; and within minutes she was out the door on her way to work.
I am not such a lover of the word, “crap”. I mean I’m not exactly a saint when it comes to proper language either, but on this day, that “crap’ was as beautiful as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing in my ear.
Again, THAT dreaded result had avoided our home. THAT DREADED fear we parents all fear would not be realized on this day. That fear that no one understands unless they live with diabetes as we do. The fear we all have. The fear that any day our children waking up is in question, we think the worst. It’s not fair.
I hate diabetes.
Crap!
I am a diabetes dad.
Please visit my Diabetes Dad FB Page and hit ‘like’.
30 replies on “(Knock on Bedroom Door)”Are You Awake?”……I Hate Diabetes”
you speak (write) so very well what all of us think – and fear. I can’t count the times I’ve experienced this exact scenario. Although her day started out craptastically late, she’s well, and all is well. <3
Yes I know. When it happens is served as a reminder to me as I am sure it does to all of us.
I don’t think there is a parent amongst us who hasn’t experienced that feeling…..just waiting for them to stir, hardly daring to breathe until they are awake. Every morning I am happy Emma is alive, not because she is a lovely little girl(which she is) but because she has made it through another night.
Truly it is something to ever take lightly, or for granted. Not to live in that fear……but to always be guarded, thanks for writing.
I know what your saying. My son, 9 years old, is used to me saying “Milton, shake a leg.” He doesnt know why I do it but its to confirm he is still alive. It is a majr bummer. I loved your use of the tabernacle choir 🙂 I hope he will always shake his leg for me in the mornings. I have had a lot of nights lately with very little sleep. I think he is coming out of his honeymoon period finally. Thanks for being a dad talking about this. There are very few compared to the mommies out there.
Thanks for writing Christine, it is a real feeling for all of us. Loved your last sentence……so let me ask…..Why do you think that is?
That’s a great question regarding the dads. Seriously, why is that the case because it seems to be true. The ratio between moms and dads being truly involved in their childrens diabetes is heavily skewed towards the moms. I just don’t get it. What am i missing?
I see the same thing in the D-families around me. There are, infinitely, more Moms involved in their child’s T1D than Dads. Thankfully, I have a husband who is one of the few (and maybe that’s why I notice the difference).
As a D-Child (webster dictionary here i come) its kind of ironic/funny when this happens(not if its an actual emergency that is NEVER funny). On one side its obnoxious because as anyone who knows me will tell you, i sleep late and hard like a rock and don’t like to be woken up early. On the other hand its nice to know that our parents still worry about us even though they have so much other stuff going on throughout the day. Its very reassuring (even though id rather sleep) that they care and still want to help as much as they can even though as adults we yearn for more independence from them.
That’s cause I’m your Mommabagel….
and I will always be there for you , and worry about you whether you want me to or not..
I’m also so very proud of you for being so independent….
I love you more than a zillion trillion gazillion chicken nuggets
I love what you write, but I also struggle with reading what you write because it hits home sooo much. A few weeks ago, i went to my sons room for his routine 2:00 am BG check, and i wasn’t sure if he was breathing or not. The feeling that hit me was probably the same that you felt Kaitlyn – total fear. Everything was fine, but I will never forget how i felt that night. Nor do I want to, even though i wish i could.
I hate diabetes too.
I am also a diabetes dad.
This post is right on. I experience this (to greater and lesser degrees – my son also likes to sleep late) every day. I think it’s one of the worst things about diabetes. Thanks for writing it.
There are so many heart-tugging sappy stories that come through our fb feeds – but this one knocked the wind out of me, because it was my own fear – named. We’ve had these mornings – especially as she is now hitting the teenager phase of wanting to sleep in on weekends – and has a pump that allows her this new delight. I have such a hard time letting her sleep in – that familiar fear has quite a tight grip on me.
I get the question regarding the other d1 dads. I think it’s just the way of families with young kids, there is a tendency towards moms taking more of the connection with little ones – not good, not bad – just is. Not a principle, not a right, not a wrong, not an always – just a tendency. When my littles were little, I was just the one that did more with them and such. Dad was at work – my work was more flexible. But – and here’s the big but – in our family Dad is also t1. I can’t tell you how connected they are over this. Other moms of t1s were slightly surprised that her Dad takes her to all her endo appts, gave her the majority of her shots at first, took the bulk of protocol management – but it all made more sense and was more familiar to him. He wept harder than I at her diagnosis – because he fully knew the path that she was about to walk, the one I couldn’t yet know. Now? Now, we both both breathe shorter breaths when she oversleeps.
My God Mick—-you drove me to my knees with this…..your honesty and being ‘out there’ just broke my heart but at the same time I felt, “How cool that he can ‘get it’ like she does. Thanks for sharing. One of the most powerful responses I have had the honor to read. Really! Thank you.
Thanks for being out there for me to read. Sometimes, as a Diabetes Dad, you give voice to the words my husband wants to say, but doesn’t know how. You give me insight into his world – thanks.
Tears.
My daughter, being 4, scares me all the time. I still find myself checking on her while she sleeps……. watching to see if she is breathing and sometimes not being able to tell my heart will drop and I will reach out and wake her, she always asks “what mom?” startled that im waking her in the night and i will sigh with relief and tell her I love her ad she passes back out. its been a yr and a half since diagnoses!! not ure if this is something I will ever be able to stop doing lol
I think it’s because men generally don’t feel comfortable with sharing their feelings and speaking about such an emotionally charged topic. Just my opinion 🙂
i think its less of than with the “older” generation seeing how men in my generation have been known to weep like children. When it comes to ones children there is no societal norm that comes into play. Emotions always run high with family.
I am not a diabetes parent but a friend of mine on FB is and she writes often of the frustration of her son’s blood sugars dropping dangerously low during the night. Sometimes she barely sleeps but recently has been looking into diabetic therapy dogs to keep him company, especially as he is getting older and will likely go off to college in a few years. Just a thought… I can imagine that feeling ~ I get it still when my son sleeps too long because he wraps his blankets around his head for the darkness. Very scary!
This is a love-hate story. I love it because it speaks louder than any choir can sing saying “other parents out there also get the sweats opening their child’s bedroom door”, I am not alone. And I hate it because I can relate and I don’t want to.
None of us want to….but we do….we move on….we hope.
This is so on target that I felt I should share that I only just a couple of months ago put a door back on my son’s bedroom after 9 years of Type 1. Yes, I am serious.
I waited until he asked for a door. I still listen several times a night to hear if he is snoring. Snoring in this case is a really welcome sound.
We need that cure !
Amen!!!
Tom…I have to wake the boys up for school at 6:15 everyday. The 30 second walk down the stairs to their room is the worst 30 seconds of my day…every day. We need this to STOP!!!!
It happened to me just this morning. I hate that dread. It will never go away. Even during the week when my husband wakes he up I lay in bed waiting with bated breath to hear him yell for me or hear him come back to our room to take a shower. Everyday he comes back I breath and and wait for the next day.
I completely understand your fear and live this feeling everyday.. my daughter is away at college. I LIVE to receive the morning text indicating she is “OK”.. She sleeps late on the weekends, so those days scare me even more… I also HATE DIABETES!
I felt this often when my children were babies. Those nights when they were infants, when they slept through without waking you to nurse. My joy of having a full nights sleep was ruined before it ever happened, because my first fear was THAT fear. I think all mothers feel THAT fear, but the blessing is it goes away. Then my son was diagnosed, and T1D became the equalizer, because now both my husband and I have THAT fear, everyday, and there is not a blessing in sight.
Understood…right there with you on this. :-/