It has been a while since I wrote, but I’m still here.
One of the happiest times in my life was discussing my articles with my mom.
She was my sharpest critic but make no mistake, she was quite proud of the forum I now have.
My mom loved to write….she always did.
When I started this column she took great pride in the work and she loved that people were responding; there was a reaction. Mom like that people commented. That I made some friends and that I pissed some people off. She said writers should not be friends with everyone. “Never forget that”, she would remind me.
And all of a sudden………she was gone. May 19th. The Friday before the Preakness, she was picking the horses she would instruct my brother to place her wages. And she would go to bed never to awake again.
Shortly after she died I rattled off a few columns.
I was proud of myself for writing some well received columns. I can do this, even though mom is gone, I can do this. I kept telling myself.
Uhm……..nope. Almost instantaneously, the desire to write was gone. No matter how many times I sat at the keyboard….all I could do was stare. A few times, tears rolled down my cheeks.
Many times writers write not even knowing if anyone is even reading…..not too unlike a radio DJ talking into a microphone not knowing if there are ten thousand listeners, or not even one. Nothing came to me.
My mom was the most incredible person and when she would like something I wrote, she would say, “That was really just from you. It was your heart talking.”
So I sat down at the keyboard tonight……..and I wrote.
It’s just me, a DiabetesDad……..and his heart talking. We’ll see where it goes.
I am a diabetes dad.
Please visit my Diabetes Dad FB Page and hit ‘like’.
0 thoughts on “When it Hurt Too Much to Write”
Rose Edward says:
That was beautiful Tom and I’m sure she’s reading it in Heaven
I’ll go with that…..thanks.
Shari Michaelson says:
I understand so completely. My Mom passed 3 years ago at FFL and when I returned home I tried to pick up my camera (I’m a photographer) and because her feed back meant so much I had a very hard time getting back at it. She is watching from the highest seat and always will be xo
Thank you for your words. I hope you are back in full swing again.
So sorry Tom. It’s a devastating loss. The gap she has left can sometimes almost engulf you. As time goes by the loss does NOT get less. Not ever. But you build around it so it’s just more in proportion xxx take care. And keep writing
Janice McAran says:
So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother in May.Mothers are the best and when they pass they take part of you.I miss my mom everyday she was my best friend.In regards to do people read what you write of course we do I’ve been type 1 for 58 years and am always looking for info on diabetes in any form whether it is from a parent (my mom went through this’s with me)or a person with type 1 like myself.So please continue to write your mom is looking over you and I’m sure she wants you to continue what you were doing before her passing.Take care ! Big hug sent your way !
Hug accepted gratefully……thank you for your encouraging words….onward.
Rick Phillips says:
Tom, Sheryl and I send our sympathies.
Thank you friend!
Kathy M says:
So sorry for your loss. I commiserate as I lost my mom just a week later. It hurts so much. Blessings to you and the important work you do.
So sorry for your loss also……amazing how empty I can feel EVEN knowing she had a long and wonderful life. Please accept my condolences.
As you are already aware, it is a difficult journey. Just know that there are friends here, some whom you may not have met yet, that will reach for your hand when you can use a hand up and someone to walk with you.
For those that I still do have with me I’m very blessed. For me, the one I was not prepared to be without was my dad.
He was only 57 , I was only 25 and the last 5 years were starting to become our closet…
Always time to sit and share stories on any topic and always had answers with wisdom to my toughest questions.
The processing of loss that followed was quite challenging , a roller coaster . Waking up the morning of his birthday with tears … I thought, that’s odd, since I struggled to recall the correct date when he was with me.
I think that was the beginning of the process that I realized he will always be with me, just in a different way.
Rather than thinking I can escape the pain ,
I’ve opted to go head on into the things that brought us happy memories together even if I have a couple tears while I do it and reflect on it.
The last six years I worked with my son helping him with his pinewood derby cars using the same tools my dad used with me for mine and my son and I have been going to the same fishing lake to share hours of time building our bonds and enjoy story telling and sometimes even just quite peaceful relflection as we both gaze at a beautiful sunset …
And I feel …even with tears now,
My Dad & best friend is still very much with me everyday day.
Stick with what you both shared and keep her with you .
Dad would have been 94 today—-I am so sorry you lost yours so young……when both my dad and mom passed—–I was SOOOOOOOO happy to be able to look in eh mirror and KNOW we left NOTHING unsaid. I was fortunate that way. I hope you were also.
Thanks for writing such a soul filled message.