I am such a horrible parent!!!
Ever say that? How could I have reacted in such a manner?
When Kaitlyn was a little girl, I stated to Jill that I should correct (or lightly discipline) her in front of my son, T.J. so he did not think she was getting all the attention.
I waited for the right moment forgetting the warning Jill gave me: “Make sure you know her blood sugar number before you do anything.”
Sure, sure; I’m Diabetesdad (I am thinking) I got this no problem. Kaitlyn was around 3 or 4 and TJ was around 6 or 7.
Bingo. Opportunity. I don’t even remember what it was that she did ‘wrong’ but I stated something like “Honey, you should not have done that”, In a loud but not screaming voice. TJ was right there and I thought; “…. this is perfect.”
With that, Kaitlyn looked up at me; her lip started to quiver, tears rolled down her little cherub cheeks.
(Oh my God what have I done?) The absolute unthinkable happened.
She pee’d all over herself.
The horror on my face could have been read around the world.
T.J. ran into the kitchen and speaking at the same time as he grabbed napkins. “It’s okay Kaitlyn honey, I’ll clean you up.” He started wiping her down as he was telling her it would all be okay.
I took her to her room and changed her. I checked her blood sugar and of course she was over 400.
Mortified. Paralyzed. What could have possibly had possessed me to be such an incredibly horrid father. WHAT DID I DO?
I could not shake it for weeks. It took me a long time to come to the realization that a bad choice or an incorrect choice is part of this entire “new normal’. If I beat myself up every time I made a wrong choice I would be dead by now from the wounds. But that does not make it any easier.
I know that I could say that we need to move-on after these incidents but because I say it; it does not make those feelings just magically disappear. They exist.
Know this; we all go through these feelings. They happen. They happened before. They will happen again. Also know that if diabetes was not in your family; this would not be an issue. So before you beat yourself up too bad, it won’t change anything. Our ONLY choice is to learn what we can and apply when possible to make sure it doesn;t happen again.
But that doesn’t make it all better does it?
What has happened in your life that you can share?
I am a diabetesdad.
PS–Feel free to hit ‘like’ on my Diabetes Dad Facebook page.
11 replies on “What a Horrible Parent!!!!!!”
I can completely relate to this! I have a guilt story that has remained in my dark psyche of unforgiveable parental sins for the past 12 years. I had just left a very violent husband. I left him with my 5 year old twins and just $80.00 to my name. With the ongoing threats of violence at our new home, I was unnerved all the time and super stressed out. 3 weeks after leaving him, one of my twins was drinking excessively and began peeing in her bed. I was convinced she was having an emotional response to the impending divorce and upheaval in our lives. I couldn’t take it anymore. The constant drinking of water, juice, anything she could get her hands on. Now, I’ve never even spanked my kids before but I snapped. It was before bed time and she was drinking 2 juice boxes and I yelled at her, “Stop drinking now!” and then, (BIG GULP) I shoved her with my foot and the shove propelled her forward. I can still see the whole thing in my mind. The next day, after coming home from a very contentious court battle that awarded me full custody of my kids, I walked in the door and my daughter slid down the wall and her eyes rolled up in her head. Her twin sister approached me and said, “Mommy, I can feel sister dying”. We rushed to the hospital where my daughter was listed in critical condition and she barely survived her first night as a diabetic in DKA. Anyway, I have NEVER been able to forgive myself for being angry and shoving her the way that I did when the poor baby was literally dying before my eyes. It was awful. I live with this guilt.
My son cried when I tried to get him to set down and do his homework. He was only 6 at the time and homework did not consist of much. I thought he simply did not want to do it and was so frustrated with him. He would just look at me like he had no idea what I was asking him to do. I remember standing up, towering over him and yelling at him that this was not hard and that I did not understand what the problem was. He was diagnosed a few days later. Looking back, I felt horrible and mean. He probably didn’t understand what I was saying to him. Homework was after dinner and his BS was probably sky high. I will never forget the look in his eyes and the tears rolling down his face.
Years later, I still sometimes run short on patience when he is having mood swings and being sarcastic. I forget sometimes that it is probably related to his blood sugar. Those feelings of guilt come right back. Those are my “I am a horrible parent” moments. We walk a fine line of not letting diabetes be an excuse for bad behavior and excusing the bad behavior because of the diabetes. I do want him to realize that not everyone will overlook the moodswings and he must try really hard not to take things out on others. I can related to both of you! (: Still learning, still trying my best, still hoping and praying for that cure!
Hugs hugs hugs!
Denise, please forgive yourself. We are human and it breaks my heart for you that this is something you have not forgiven yourself for. From one D-Mama to another ((HUGS))
Thank you Vanessa—I do not want to be the only one replying and am so happy you did. We all need to speak what is on our minds and I thank you for chiming in.
Hugs hugs hugs!
Denise, you were under immense stress. Ask your daughter to forgive you, forgive yourself and then give it to God. Do not replay those images in your head as that is what keeps you from releasing it. Ask your angels to help you release it. Have faith and it will work. I’ve used this method many times.
I don’t know if this makes it better or worse, but one of my experiences as a child could tell you that kids remember, but forgive. I remember one case when my father got in a heated argument — I was probably ten years old (give or take a few) and I don’t remember specifics but I’m sure I wasn’t being, as they say, “diabetes-compliant”. Again, the details are fuzzy, but I remember with complete clarity when my father yelled “You’re the diabetic, not me!”.
He’s been a great father to me, and I’ve never held it against him. Sure, it stung for awhile – I was just a kid and my parents were supposed to handle the “tough” stuff (like diabetes) – and he’s certainly more-than made up for it over the years. We’ve never discussed the incident, and I’ve always thought he’d quickly forgotten it even though I never did. But that incident is just a memory to me, an anecdote that has no bearing on what I think of him whatsoever.
Scott—
I do not think I have the nerve to ask my kids what they remember. LOL
My granddaugter, Emma, 4 years old is T1 diabetic. She spends a great deal of time with me and spends the night at least once a week. But, my story is about my son. He was not diabetic. He had marfan syndrome, a connective tissue disease. He had his first open heart surgery when he was four. I was told when he was diagnosed that he would die before the age of 20. He died when he was nine. His doctor encouraged me to treat him the same as my other child. I was terrified to spank him. Because of the marfan syndrome, he had suffered several broken bones. About six months before he died, he was a patient in Children’s Hospital in Cincinnati. He had been particulary cranky that day. My sister came to visit. He was so rude to her. Would not let her hug him or kiss him. Would not talk to her. I sternly said to him, “Donnie, I am sorry you don’t feel well today but you tell Aunt Bev you are sorry and be nice.” The tears immediately started. He said, “But, Mommy my arm hurts so bad from this IV.” I pulled up his shirt sleeve and could not believe my eyes. His arm was swollen about twice its size. I knew it was suppose to be changed that day but had not looked at it since morning and this was about 3pm. I will never forget the horror I felt. How could I have possibly gone all day and not checked. Being a parent is not easy and even more difficult when you have a child with a medical condition. Hugs to all of you………….
I felt and still feel guilty; when, on the day after diagnosis, the nurse was showing us and teaching us about the care we’d soon be doing on our own. When it came time for me to try giving Shelby her insulin dose, they said I wouldn’t have to practice on the orange, just give the shot to her. So, poised over her little thigh, I did what the nurse does when giving me a shot…I thrust it into her leg. My brave little girl shot a look at me like no other and yelled, “What are you DOING?!” I said I was just doing it like the nurse at the doctor’s office. And I teared right up. She and the nurse both tried to explain that these aren’t the same needles, that it isn’t like that…but I felt horrible and I don’t think, to this day, over 10 years later, I’ve given her another shot. I’m glad I have a very brave daughter. Because I’m too scared.